What Type of Polyam Are You?
You Know What Grinds My Gears: About Polyamory
One of the biggest reasons polyamory gets misunderstood, misrepresented, and misused is because we keep throwing around the word without clarity.
Depending on who you ask, polyam might be:
A relationship style they enjoy
A preference they explore
A belief system about love and autonomy
A sexual strategy they use for access
A practice they are still learning
An orientation they can’t turn off
Or something they picked up from TikTok
When we don’t name which one we’re talking about, or worse, when we act like they’re all the same, people get hurt.
Why language matters
Labels themselves aren’t the problem. Misusing them is.
If someone treats polyamory like an identity but enters a relationship with someone who only sees it as a casual dating preference, the expectations are already misaligned.
If someone calls themselves polyam because they want multiple partners but have no intention of building trust, transparency, or care, they’re not showing up with integrity.
That’s not polyamory. That’s avoidance pretending to be freedom.
Polyamory as identity vs practice
Some of us are polyamorous by orientation. We don’t choose it because it’s fun or trendy. We live it because it reflects how we connect. Monogamy feels like trying to live in a too-small box we never asked to be in.
Others may practice polyamory without it being central to who they are. They might be naturally monogamous but choose polyam structures at certain points in life. That can still be valid if they’re honest about it.
Confusion happens when we don’t clarify which lens we’re speaking from. That confusion becomes harm when people assume shared values that were never discussed.
You can’t build what you won’t name
One of the biggest issues in ENM spaces is that folks use “polyam” to describe situations that aren’t polyamorous at all. They’re open. Or undefined. Or transactional. Sometimes they’re just messy and unexamined.
When we don’t take the time to define what we’re doing and why, we can’t protect ourselves or the people we say we care about. And we can’t hold each other accountable when things go sideways.
What grinds my gears
It’s not that people define polyamory differently.
It’s that people don’t bother to define it at all.
They assume the word speaks for itself.
And in a world full of harm and assumptions, it doesn’t.
Polyamory can be a belief, an identity, a practice, or a preference.
It is our responsibility to name which it is for us and not expect others to read between the lines.
Reflection prompt
So, what type of polyam are you?
Take a moment to reflect or share your answer in the comments. How do you define your approach to love, connection, and relationship structure?