Polyamory and the Performance of Progressiveness

You Know What Grinds My Gears: About Polyamory

Some people aren’t polyamorous.
They’re just noncommittal.

Some aren’t interested in ethical non-monogamy.
They’re just interested in avoiding accountability.

And yet, polyamory becomes the performance.
A way to seem evolved.
A script to recite on dates.
A buzzword to distract from deeper wounds.

This post isn’t for the people doing the work.
It’s for the ones who won’t, but still want the benefits.

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Polyamory has been twisted into an aesthetic.
A clever costume.
A dating profile headline that’s rarely backed by practice.

It’s used to signal emotional intelligence, but too often conceals immaturity, evasion, or a lack of relational integrity. The impact? Deep harm, especially to people who are sincerely practicing polyamory as a framework built on transparency, emotional responsibility, and enduring consent.

We have to name it plainly:
Not all non-monogamy is polyamory.
Not all open relationships are ethical.
And not all people using the word “polyam” are actually interested in doing what it requires.

A lot of what gets labeled as polyamory today is simply opportunism in a rebranded outfit.

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And here’s where it gets even more damaging:
We’re putting all of it in the same category.

Swingers looking for threesomes.
Couples unicorn-hunting with scripted power dynamics.
People date recklessly under the banner of “no labels.”
Individuals avoid intimacy but overbook connections.

All of these dynamics, and more, are being called polyamory, and it’s eroding what polyamory actually means.

Polyamory is not the default bucket for every form of non-monogamy.
It is not just about multiple partners.
It is not synonymous with sex-centrism, chaos, or lack of commitment.

But because it’s trendy, and because there’s limited public literacy, polyamory has become the scapegoat and the scapegoat’s disguise.

People fail at communication and blame polyamory.
They mishandle feelings and say, “That’s just how ENM works.”
They create emotional messes with no accountability and chalk it up to “growing pains.”

And society lets them.

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Meanwhile, actual polyamorous folks, folks doing the work of honest communication, conscious consent, and sustainable emotional connection, are left cleaning up the reputation. They’re navigating stigmas rooted in assumptions that don’t reflect their actual values or practices.

This is why it matters to separate performance from practice.

Just because someone says they’re polyamorous doesn’t mean they’re operating from care, clarity, or capacity.

Some people use polyamory to justify avoidant behavior.
Some use it to mask control.
Some lean into the language without ever interrogating their own fears, motives, or impact.

This isn’t progressiveness.
This is projection dressed up as freedom.

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True polyamory is not about more access.
It’s about more intention.

It doesn’t give you the license to bypass discomfort or dismiss others’ needs.
It’s not an opt-out button for commitment. It’s a call into multiple forms of commitment, approached with nuance and integrity.

The performance of polyamory often looks like:

• Using the label to justify cheating

• Dismissing emotional labor as codependency

• Withholding information under the guise of autonomy

• Engaging multiple partners while refusing to do self-work

• Calling accountability policing, but still expecting loyalty

• Failing to resource yourself and leaning on others under the name of community

All while using the language of polyamory to deflect, distract, or defend choices that aren’t rooted in ethics.

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And this is why people are confused.
Why polyamory gets blamed.
Why folks avoid dating people who say they’re “polyam.”
Because the term has been diluted and misused.

It’s not just a misunderstanding.
It’s a misrepresentation.

The loudest voices, the most visible posts, and the most viral content often come from people who treat polyamory as a vibe, not a value system. They prioritize pleasure but dismiss emotional consequences. They center self-interest, but call it sovereignty. They hurt others and call it their journey.

This is the performance.
And it has nothing to do with actual polyamory.

Polyamory is care work.
It is shadow work.
It is leadership and accountability in the most intimate parts of our lives.

If your version of “polyamory” lacks that,
It’s not liberation.
It’s exploitation with better branding.

And if you’re not ready for the responsibility?
Get out of the poly pool.

Capt. Chaos