How to Use FetLife’s Own Rules to Protect Yourself

The August 26 deactivation was just the beginning. The protest is not over. The hashtag #WhatTheFet is alive, the stories are visible, and the silence is breaking.

We do not yet know how many people joined the action, but what we do know is that the hashtag is a powerful reminder of our collective voice. The Telegram group remains open, and we are starting to organize volunteers who have stepped up to help turn this from a one-woman push into a team effort.

Meanwhile, FetLife has quietly posted a new moderator role. If you are qualified, trauma-aware, bias-aware, and serious about accountability, I encourage you to apply. Change happens from inside and out.

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Why Policies Matter

FetLife’s rules can feel vague, inconsistent, or selectively enforced. But the truth is this: they have already published guidelines that, if you learn them and use them, can protect you from creeps, harassers, and racially fetishizing strangers.

The key is knowing where the rules are clear and holding the platform to its own words.

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Things You Probably Did Not Know You Can Report

• Someone calling you “BBC” or another sexualized label you never consented to → Fantasy Pushing + Body Shaming

• Misgendering or intentionally wrong pronouns → Gender Shaming

• Being called a “groomer” solely for your orientation → Orientation Shaming

• Being mocked for scars, disability, or size → Body Shaming

• Explicit fantasies sent to your inbox without your consent → Fantasy Pushing

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Three Policies You Can Use Today

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Things We Should Report Instead of Just Reacting To

Too often we hit block, scroll past, or laugh react instead of reporting. That lets FetLife act as though abuse is not happening. Report these instead:

• Unwanted DMs that sexualize you, push kinks, or ignore your stated boundaries → Fantasy Pushing

• Racial or fetishizing comments (“I only want you for X body part”) → Body Shaming + Fantasy Pushing

• Attacks on your political or worldview posts → Hateful Conduct

• Partner preference backlash (“not dating white men”) → cite Fet’s “Not a Violation” clause

• Coordinated pile-ons across posts → Harmful Disruption

• Public outing or doxing → Privacy Concerns

• Screenshots and reposts → Even if you crop the username and photo, you can still be penalized. Fet has two separate rules:

  • Screenshot Policy: prohibits capturing or sharing images of the site without consent.

  • Spotting Policy: prohibits posting someone’s content elsewhere, even anonymized.

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Tips to Protect Yourself and Make Reporting Easier

FetLife’s own guidelines protect partner preferences and personal boundaries. Use that to your advantage:

• Update your orientation and gender fields so your preferences are visible. If you state “straight” or “not interested in men,” then male propositions clearly fall under Fantasy Pushing.

• Add hard limits to your bio. These function as public markers of non-consent. If someone ignores them, it is a policy violation.

• Keep boundaries explicit. Example: “Do not call me BBC” or “Not interested in white men or white women.” Fet’s guidelines allow partner preferences, so this is your right.

• Save revoked or deleted DMs. Screenshots are evidence.

• Report, do not just react. Blocking or ignoring lets FetLife avoid counting the incident. Reporting forces them to acknowledge it.

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Reminder: Screenshot & Spotting Policies

FetLife has two separate rules that often get overlooked:

1. Screenshot Policy
Taking or sharing screenshots of FetLife content is prohibited, even if you crop usernames or identifying details. Screenshots are only allowed when submitting a private report to caretakers. Sharing them publicly can result in a violation against you.

2. Spotting Policy
Reposting another member’s content. even anonymized or blurred, counts as “spotting.” Spotting is defined as drawing unwanted attention to a member or their content by sharing it outside its original context. This includes lifting writings, posts, or images to call someone out without their consent.

Why This Matters:

• Sharing “receipts” off-site may feel like holding abusers accountable, but under Fet rules it can be turned against the reporter.

• The safer path is to report directly through the caretaking system and document your own report trail privately.

• Why Reporting Matters

I am going through the 700+ revoked messages in my inbox and reporting every one that violates FetLife’s own policies and community guidelines. I encourage you to do the same.

Here is why it matters:

• It forces the numbers to reflect our reality. Fet’s transparency reports only show what is reported. If we do not report, they can claim it is not happening.

• It turns lived experience into evidence. Every unsolicited fantasy or fetishization becomes a data point that cannot be ignored.

• It builds pressure for reform. The more reports pile up in their own categories, the harder it is for caretakers to dismiss, silence, or hide them.

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Closing

FetLife already proved it can define escalation when it wants to. They do it for fantasy pushing. They do it for impersonating staff. They can and should do it for harassment, hate, and racial fetishization.

Until they change, our power lies in:

• Knowing the rules better than the people breaking them

• Using those rules to get the creeps out

• Exposing where the rules exist but the reporting tools do not match

If FetLife will not enforce its own guidelines, then we will. We will report every violation, cite every policy, and flood their system with the truth they try to minimize. It is not malicious compliance. It is radical accountability, using their own rules to prove what they refuse to face.

Do not just block. Do not just scroll. Report. Document. Appeal.

They want our silence. Instead, let’s give them receipts.

We built this space. We deserve protection in it.

Capt. Chaos