Control Isn't Clarity

When Boundries Become Ultimatums

We talk a lot about boundaries in relationships, but what happens when boundaries are actually demands in disguise?

In monogamous and monogamish dynamics, control can often show up wrapped in the language of safety. Someone says they’re protecting their relationship when in reality, they’re avoiding their own discomfort. They create rules that limit others rather than addressing the fears and insecurities that drive them.

The result is more confusion than clarity, more harm than healing.

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The Line Between Healthy Boundaries and Harmful Rules

Here’s an example that’s more common than most people admit:

A monogamish man is allowed by his wife to sleep with other people, but he cannot form emotional connections or label those interactions as actual relationships. He’s not even supposed to tell her about them in real time, but when things in his other relationship feel strained, they suddenly start discussing the other women he's seen. She gets insight into who he’s connected with, what happened, and how he engages with them during conflict.

On paper, there’s a clear agreement. In practice, it’s blurred.

He’s confiding in her about connections he wasn’t supposed to share. She’s supposed to stay emotionally uninvolved with his other partners, yet seeks to assess them when her own feelings surface or he needs help navigating his concerns and managing his emotions. As a result, the partners themselves are left in the dark, aware they’re being talked about but excluded from any clarity or context due to the middleman communication happening without them.

This isn’t ethical non-monogamy. It’s selective transparency, built on a foundation of control and discomfort instead of consent and communication.

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Friendship Without Feeling? That’s Not How People Work

Another woman was told by her monogamish partner that they could share sex, time, and meaningful conversation, but emotional connection was off-limits. His wife had set a boundary that friendships were allowed, but nothing deeper.

But what is a friendship if not an emotional connection?

Expecting someone to be present, intimate, caring, and consistent while demanding that no emotional bond form is not only unrealistic. It’s deeply unfair. You cannot ask someone to show up meaningfully and then punish them for mattering.

This type of rule positions outside partners as expendable and demands emotional labor without emotional reciprocity. It places the monogamish partner in a constant balancing act between authenticity and compliance.

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When Private Rules Create Public Fallout

In small kink or polyamorous communities, these dynamics rarely stay private. Everyone knows everyone. People end up at the same events, in the same circles, navigating unspoken hierarchies and invisible boundaries.

Outside partners are often expected to "just know" what they’re allowed to do or not do based on the primary couple’s ever-shifting comfort levels. They may be introduced at a dungeon one week, ignored at a play party the next, and discussed behind closed doors when tensions rise. There’s rarely room for their truth to be included, let alone prioritized.

These unspoken power dynamics not only fracture trust but also affect reputations, comfort, and consent in wider community spaces.

When the terms of your relationship depend on secrecy, omission, or double standards, they aren’t boundaries, they’re rules for everyone but you.

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What We Call It Matters

Words like "boundaries" and "agreements" have been co-opted as shields for control. A boundary is about you and your needs, not about policing someone else’s feelings or limiting their capacity for love and connection.

If your boundary is "You can only see other people as long as I never feel uncomfortable," what you're really saying is, "I need you to curate your life so I never have to grow."

That’s not a relationship. That’s a holding pattern.

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So What’s the Alternative?

Start with clarity. Real clarity, not rehearsed rules or unspoken expectations. Talk about fears. Be honest about insecurities. Make room for human emotion, not just ideal scenarios.

Most importantly, allow everyone involved to have agency. That includes your partners, their partners, and yourself.

You don’t need to give up monogamy or become fully open to do this well. But if you’re choosing to exist in the middle, know that control is not clarity, and comfort is not the same as consent.

If you're going to be in the pool, learn to swim or stay out of the deep end.

Capt. Chaos