Ambiguity is Not Ethical
You Know What Grinds My Gears: About Polyamory
There’s a difference between evolving your understanding of polyamory and hiding behind the label to avoid accountability.
Polyamory doesn’t mean “do whatever you want.” Yet that’s how too many people approach it. They lean into ambiguity as a shield. They use vague language, undefined relationships, and unclear boundaries as a tactic to avoid responsibility. And they call that freedom.
But freedom without responsibility is not liberation. It’s harm dressed up as autonomy.
Some people don’t define terms because it would require defining intentions. They avoid words like “partner,” “commitment,” or “expectation,” not because they don’t believe in them, but because saying them out loud means they can be held to them. They avoid clarity because clarity reveals misalignment. They remain vague so they can remain blameless.
Let’s be honest: ethical non-monogamy requires ethics. That means transparency, intention, and structure, not weaponized confusion.
There’s a certain kind of ambiguity that isn't rooted in exploration. It’s rooted in evasion. It allows people to slide in and out of other people’s lives without ever truly being known. It allows them to reap the benefits of intimacy, care, sex, and emotional investment without ever offering a name for what they’re doing or a framework for mutual care.
That’s not polyamory. That’s power hoarding.
Some folks avoid direct conversations because they don’t want to limit their options. They claim to be “going with the flow” while secretly controlling the current. They say things like:
“Let’s just see where this goes.”
“I don’t like labels.”
“I want something organic.”
None of these are inherently harmful, but if there’s no shared understanding beneath them, they become cover for disorganization and emotional detachment.
They keep partners uncentered and uncertain. Then, when harm happens or when someone dares to ask for more, they retreat behind the non-definition. They say, “But we never said we were anything.” Or worse, “You knew what this was.”
That’s not honesty. That’s avoidance. And it’s manipulative.
Clarity is care. Vagueness, when intentional, is a form of control.
Ambiguity lets people appear available while avoiding emotional accountability. It allows them to sidestep expectations, even when they benefit from them. It enables them to extract attention, affection, intimacy, and sexual energy without ever having to name their own needs or take responsibility for how they are meeting someone else’s.
This isn’t a harmless misunderstanding. It’s a pattern. And in too many cases, it creates relational environments where people are hurt, confused, and discarded without closure. That’s not just unfortunate. That’s unethical.
Ethical non-monogamy has ethical in the name for a reason. That includes telling the truth, even when it’s uncomfortable. That includes defining things. That includes being clear when you’re not available for emotional connection instead of using polyamory as a loophole to avoid being emotionally present while still benefiting from someone’s vulnerability.
Polyamory without clarity is not polyamory. It’s chaos.
If you need your relationships to remain undefined to feel safe, ask yourself why. If you feel a sense of pride in not being able to be “pinned down,” ask what you’re running from.
There is room in polyamory for fluidity, for relationships that change, grow, and evolve. But change and growth require presence, honesty, and mutual care, not passive disengagement.
When people use ambiguity as a tool of self-protection while requiring clarity from others, they create an imbalance. And imbalance in power, intention, or care is the root of most harm in relationships, polyamorous or not.
Reflection Prompt:
Have you ever stayed in something unclear because naming it might’ve meant losing it? What do you owe yourself when you sense ambiguity? What do you owe others?
Capt. Chaos